The blame game: I don’t know about you but I know that I’ve been blamed in the past for my son’s behaviour. The blame wasn’t always obvious, just sideways looks or slowly disappearing from our lives (to be fair, the disappearing hasn’t happened much).
I started to wonder if it was me. Maybe I wasn’t a good parent? Should I not have adopted? Perhaps I did need to do things differently, but I’d tried everything and nothing seemed to be working.
Where does blame come from?
The problem is that the blame didn’t always come from people who understood my son’s needs, and sometimes when it did they didn’t give me any help or ideas. I think that was the bit that annoyed me the most. If you’re going to blame me, and you’re a professional, at least tell me how you think I should improve. I can understand friends and family wanting to help, and I appreciated it but there were times when I wanted to say ‘Don’t you think I’ve blinking tried that?’ The word ‘blinking’ wasn’t always used and I certainly didn’t say it calmly. At least, I certainly wasn’t calm on the inside when I said it!
I think it’s easy to look in from the outside and apportion blame, however unintentionally it’s done. If you’re not living it, it’s very hard to truly understand it or sometimes even believe what is happening. I have a gorgeous boy and can see how it would have been hard to believe how he was struggling. Even more difficult to believe was the resulting behaviour.
Blaming and shaming doesn’t help anyone, the parents or the child, but it is a part of our society unfortunately and very easy to do without meaning to. Overtime, as we all become more aware of the impact it has I hope that will change.
A different approach
When I learnt about NVR and started implementing it, it was odd. It’s a very different way of parenting to the more traditional method, but it did feel right. It’s a method for the 21st Century, but one that many struggle understandably to get their head around. Once you do though, it’s amazing. It works in all walks of life as it’s based on relationships. Not only can you use it for parenting, you can use it in all relationships.
When I started to work with and support parents, I realised one of the key things for me was not blaming or judging anyone. It doesn’t help and it’s something I’m really clear on.
Blame & judgement free support:
If you’d like help why not come and join my free Facebook group. Get the help and support you’d like in a judgment free, blame free environment. https://www.facebook.com/groups/connectiveparentingusingNVR/